Not good enough

There's always a wave of sadness that encompasses me once each month in this year. For some unexplainable reason, I feel lonelier, dissatisfied and unsure about myself for a period of time. No, its not about my hormones again. Its not the time of the month. Its just that, there exists a burning desire in me to do better, to accomplish more, to find change and there is nothing happening so I feel such a failure.

The other day, my mom and I had a talk again about my job hunting. It seems that most of the people around her and even her are quite bothered that until now I haven't landed a job. ANY JOB. Naturingan pa akong Lasalista pero wala naman akong makuhang trabaho. The things they say are really hurtful. But I was raised by my mom to not get affected by what other people say. Especially the blatant, uneducated comments. But I guess even my own mom is getting affected. Nakakainis. Its not fun to hear being compared to a lot of people. I mean it was bad enough that I had to go through all that when I was younger. I had no siblings but I had a lot of cousins. And now that I am here facing the real world, trying to brave it and look for a job.. it does not help that there is pressure everywhere. Even from people that I barely talk to. If there's one thing I hate, its really those people who just tell you how you should run your life even if they don't know what is going on.

What's bad is, after graduation things like career goals, career path, short-term and long-term goals have been pivotal to my decisions. Yet nobody in my family understands it. Only my ninang who I barely talk to sees my point. The others just don't see why I couldn't just grab any job. Sometimes I also wonder why I just go on and grab the first job that I could get. But my personality has taken some form of detour. i no longer want to make quick and easy decisions without having to think about what I could regret 3-5 years from now. Maybe I am being too careful, after all being penniless means the same thing in all languages. I feel awful that I still can't depend on myself for my necessities.

I just wish I could fast forward a little of my life now. Maybe just about 2-3 weeks. Hopefully, by that time I am part of the working group. Until then, I don't expect this feeling of incapability to fly away.. and that feeling of not being good enough is enough reason for me to try harder.