Tuesday, June 03, 2008

People disappoint

I have been feeling so alone since last week.

Like I don't have anyone I could count on.
Like I don't have anyone I could call when I am sad.
Like I don't have anyone I could just spend some time with, go to a movie and just talk to and feel better.
Like I don't have anyone who would understand me even if I don't say anything.

I just really felt so alone. For someone who never had a special someone and who has been so proud to be independent and self-sufficient, this is a big deal. Because I rely mostly with my friends or family for the "support" that I need at these times. But with all the things that have been and have been not happening... I just feel so disappointed.

I feel so disappointed because when I scroll down my phone's contact list, there is nobody I could text or call that I know would genuinely make me feel better.

I feel so sad because the only person that could and would understand me perfectly is studying and working somewhere tens of thousand miles away from me.

I feel disappointed even with myself for being contented with the work I am currently doing even if I know deep in my heart that I could do so much better.

I feel frustrated that I am easily angry with people for small things ---> for laughing so high pitched, for talking so loud and even just for laughing.

I am confused because I realized that there is no possible way that I could ever co-exist with my mom in the same house for more than 3 days.

I realized that I am an angry person I blamed it to my hormones for the longest time.

I even have pseudo fights with different friends and for some reason I just can't explain why I feel this way. I call it pseudo fights because there is no exact reason or time that I can say I had some misunderstanding or arguments with my friends, its just for some reason, I withdraw from them. My usual reaction with my closest friends is to be actively mad or angry when I am feeling that way. I am not one to hide it. So right now, I just I am just indifferent and this scares me a lot.

To not feel anything at all with the current situation of my life is confusing and frustrating. I just wish I know what I should feel.

Maybe I just need a distraction from all of this.